I did not come to the Lord until I was 30 years old, and after I came to the Lord, I stumbled in a big way into sin. I got caught up in adultery and the Lord brought me to conviction to quit, but due to my pride, I did not confess. I struggled with this for several years. Thankfully we serve a gracious God who stuck with me and brought me to a place where I yielded to His truth and love. He did not bring a big hammer down, but He did bring enough pressure and truth down to where I became desperate to get right on this.
The beauty is that even while I struggled with confessing, He worked a good work in my life, He is so merciful and gracious. The Lord convicted me to get out of debt, and then to shut down my building company. I owned a large high end company and this was a big step of faith to walk away from my pride and “security”. I didn’t see these things when I was in the middle of it, but I sure saw it in hindsight after I walked away from it. The Lord was preparing me to walk in a greater faith and faithfulness.
After I quit building, the Lord moved us into the neediest neighborhood in town. Over the next 7 years I would be involved in a lot of demonic deliverance and Spiritual warfare, of which I had no experience going in. I’ve come to learn that you have to be among them to encounter it. I encountered many people who opened demonic doors through drugs, alcohol, bitterness and demonic channels.
When my pastors and elders saw what the Lord was doing in me, they asked me to be an elder. I had a desire to do so, but the guilt of my unconfessed sin caused me to pass for two years. They asked me a third year and I said yes. But as we were going through the confirmation process, my spirit wrestled with God’s Spirit- and I pulled the plug that third year. I cried out to God for the power to confess and He told me that it was my pride. Three months went by and still no confession. I cried out again and the Lord said; “You cannot accomplish in the flesh, that which can only be accomplished in the Spirit.” At first I didn’t understand what He meant, so I pressed in further and He said; “You must pray for humility.” I didn’t like the sound of that, but I jumped in.
I had been studying humility recently because I knew I needed it (and I still need it). So I began to pray for it, and if you ever sincerely pray for humility, buckle up. We don’t just hand over our pride; it must be torn from us. Everyone and everything turned against me. I responded as any fleshly person would, I fought back. My life spiraled down and down and it became evident that I didn’t have the foundation or relationship with the Lord that I thought I had. I am now convinced in God’s truth that trials do purify, if we submit to Him (Rev 3:17-19; Heb 12:3-15). Going through the refiners fire of trials burns the pride and fleshly self but it strengthens the spirit! The Lord knows what we need, and our goal should not be to get out of the trial, but to get out of the trial what our Lord desires. Mat. 5:8 “Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.” As our gold becomes more pure, we see more God! That should be our goal.
Six months later I became desperate to confess that which I refused to confess six months earlier. There is Power in a Clear Conscience! There is Freedom and Intimacy with God in a Clear Conscience! Guilt separates from God and it will wear and drag you down, it is a bondage.
I continued to pray for humility for 3-5 years. It was the most difficult thing I have ever gone through, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I have told people that after those 5 years of praying for humility, I came out of it twice the man I was going into it, but I came out half the man that I thought I was going into it.
I began to give up the pursuit of a “good image” for the pursuit of a “good name”. The Lord changed my Perception. I needed help, and I still do!
Don’t let your sin and pride separate you from the mercy, forgiveness and freedom found in humble repentance before your Lord. Do not look upon trials as a lack of God’s love, look upon them as an abundance of God’s love (Heb 12:10-11). The problems that surround us have been brought upon by man, myself included- not God. Our Lord is always working toward reconciliation with us through confession, forgiveness, righteousness and love. The more we clear out our sin, the more clearly we see Him as He truly is. We serve a gracious God, let’s seek to love Him back as He has loved us.