If I expressed my thoughts out loud to you, the reaction I would get is I’m crazy and my words untrue.
In all honesty that is the comforting idea, not just for me but also for you.
I feel soft and hardened, loved and alone, trapped and reborn.
My life being one that could easily end soon in grieving, with my family having to mourn.
Ignorance they say is a blissful state, ignoring the pain that lies beneath the mask I display.
My “escape” has been ruined since the beginning, with knowledge of a better way.
Fear led me through every choice I made, one of those 360-degree revolving doors at freedoms gate.
The chances that came to me with hands stretched out, fear threw me back in, filled me with hate. The choice to live a life of shame, misery, pain, ridicule, discomfort, afraid and alone.
My Gramps always made a point to remind me of a Robert Frost poem.
‘The Road Less Traveled By’ it is called, freedom and following God my less traveled road.
My life has been filled with planted seeds over the years, each one a glimmer of hope not yet grown.
A human garden awaiting God’s grace to be accepted inside to flourish and bless His creation.
My self-will the gate keeper all along, blocking out the gifts from Him missing out on alleviation. Blocking out anything and everything good; a frightened, selfish, wallowing little girl full of sin.
Gods who has been there all along just waiting to be let back in.
God’s mercy and grace, the beauty of this, words just cannot even begin to explain.
Thank you, Jesus, for saving me, for dying on the cross and giving me the choice to get out of pain.