Thankful by Courtney

If you had told me a year ago, or even just six months ago, that I would be where I am now, I would have never believed it. A Ray of hope hasn’t just helped me regain my faith and mend my relationship with God; they've given me everything while I work on myself, becoming who I was meant to be. With true grace, they have been supportive while I heal and I figure out who I am again. I started using meth and heroin at a young age, after the abuse of my father, who is in prison for first and second-degree murder for cutting someone’s life too short who did not deserve it. At 19, I got sober when I got with my now ex-husband, and I had a beautiful daughter when I turned 21. Life was good. At 23, we ended up getting a divorce. He moved away, and at the same time, my grandpa, who was always my person, was dying of dementia and Alzheimer’s. Watching the strongest person in my eyes growing up, becoming the most fragile while aging backwards, was painful. It was awful. It is when I turned my back on hope, on myself, and everything I loved. I remember thinking alcohol just was not enough anymore. My daughter was with her grandma for the night, and I was drinking a bottle of whiskey by myself. The next morning, I got up and told myself I would just do meth on the days my daughter was with grandma, and I was alone. This choice would eventually break me. It was not even two weeks in, and I was already doing meth and heroin daily. I remember calling my daughter's dad, telling him I had relapsed, and this was not a safe place for Allison anymore. This was the hardest call of my life. After he got her, I really lost all will to do well. I only got worse. Before I knew it, I was in way too deep to turn around. A year or so in, someone was shot and killed at my house, in self-defense. It saved everyone in the house. I tried to save him anyway with CPR and in my best efforts to stop the bleeding, I failed. You would think that since it was self-defense, it would have been an easy thing to witness. It was not. I knew this person wouldn’t have come in pointing a gun at us if it wasn’t for him being on drugs, and that thought sticks with me. It was about 6 months after that when I went from heroin to fentanyl. This switch only made death seem normal. I would overdose and die, and be brought back with Narcan or a hospital. I stopped counting after 12 times. After years of abusing drugs, being in and out of jail, and hitting multiple rock bottoms, I finally hit my last one. On December 6th, 2024, I got arrested, again, and it was my 31st birthday. I remember telling myself I was done with the drugs and with withdrawing on a cement floor every couple of months. I have said this before, but this time I surrendered. I got court-ordered to go to treatment, my first time. I cannot thank Judge Ulbricht enough for this choice; it saved me. Not just me, but while I was in treatment, I found out I was six months pregnant. RCM was truly a blessing for me. I met one of my biggest support systems there, and she has been on this journey with me since. I graduated inpatient and started outpatient on February 17th. My now ex-boyfriend had my family and even me convinced he was sober, but it was clear that was not the case right away. I had to get out. I was scared being out of treatment and in the real world, the place where all of this stuff happened to me was out here. Therefore, I came to Peggy’s house, a place that is trigger-free and, most importantly, safe. Nikkia has been someone who has been here for me with complete understanding and the biggest open heart. Dave and everybody who takes the time for not just bible study but for advice and prayers have also been such a big help in my recovery. I had Asher on May 6th. I’m working on repairing my relationship with Allison, and I can really say I have the most amazing team around me. I do not see the darkness anymore. I’m more at peace genuinely, than I’ve ever been. This journey has been hard at times, but those times have been far less than the good times now. I have repaired a relationship with God and my amazing mom, who has been here every step of the way, and has forgiven me for the pain I caused her. This place is a big part of me now and always will be. I could not be more thankful.