This Lost Person's Narrative

To those that take the time to read a part of a lost person’s narrative, I would like to share my own misguided journey and how in that, I found myself needing A Ray of Hope.

Though I’ve been called a few different things in my day, my name is Ronin. I am a co-dependent of too many spirits, of people and any and all mind altering substances. I will start with the why. It starts with a good man, a Vietnam vet for a father figure, where I learned at an early age, the key to all problems might be found at the bottom of the next bottle.

The first trick was you didn’t stop until you found the key. The second trick was it was never there to begin with. You can play that game for a long time. I certainly did and for the better part of 20 years to boot. I hold nothing but love for that man, he just shared the answers that he himself knew best with me.

Chronologically, I then became an addict of all the new mind altering substances, any and all that I came across. Looking back, one was too many and a thousand was never enough for me. Once I hit 18, I felt I could call my own shots on how I would handle my pains and my traumas of the past. In that time, I quickly found out misery loves company, miserable people loved chemicals and chemicals kept misery at bay along with continual company to play. It’s a terrible chaotic and vicious cycle, yet it’s enticing and intoxicating in itself to find some company that matched the pain and misery in me. I not only wanted to dance in that cycle of avoidance but survive in it. This is quickly where my co-dependence of people bloomed as well.

With these early on-set recipes, I was well on my way to learning the wrong things about people pleasing, substance abusing and that hand-in-hand dance. But subconsciously, I finally found that key. A way to stay away from myself, my problems, my fears, and my traumas. All the while, inadvertently, I became a manipulative, self absorbed wanted to be. person that I never wanted to be.  I didn’t see myself as the person I was subconsciously growing to be.  A person more comfortable with living in the dark, rather than the day.  As time went on, my need for more escape grew, as did my addictions, and my unfulfilled attitude around those needs.

Everyone’s rock bottom looks different. Jails, institutions or death are the three most common things to stop those of us that don’t know how to stop.  Those that don’t know where to turn or what to do.  I have been more than close with all three.  Since 2010, I have been in and out of jails, sometimes for months, sometimes for weekends, all long enough.  I’ve admitted myself into multiple dual diagnosis programs.  I have over 300 days worth under my belt.

Last year, I overdosed and the guilt and shame was too much for me to bare and still want to live.  So I then lived out of my vehicle for next 8 months bringing back the old early recipe of navigating pain. I was running from myself and finding others who ran just as hard.  I was choosing marijuana and tall boys instead of food, burning through my savings, while trying to eclipse my guilt and shame with a drug and a drink.  It had to end. I didn’t know how to end it , so I ran harder than I had over the past 20 years of substance abuse.

With 300 dollars left to my name, two suitcases and a prayer, I found myself in a new place.  First I admitted myself to another rehab, Oxytocin.  This one was different because this time I was different.  I’d like to add here, desperation truly can do wonders for a man folks.  But the women there, the counselors, the facilitators, they recognized my drive to live and my yearning for better.  But I truly had nowhere to go, nowhere to stay to even start fighting for myself, for better.

These women not only recommended one specific love driven woman but drove me to the most stable and affordable sober living/housing in the area.  With the idea of a hand up and not a hand out, I was brought to A Ray of Hope.  I was dropped off at the doors with some hope and a lot more baggage than luggage.  I met the manager of the men’s house, Miss Rachelle. If she hadn’t gotten me into that home, ladies and gentleman, I promise you I would have still been drinking myself to sleep out of my vehicle, running from myself and doing much worse.  The love that the founders of A Ray of Hope, Bob & Peggy Christensen had, lives on through her.  Though there are some strict regulations, being fresh in my recovery, I needed it.  I needed the reins to be out of my hands and monitored a bit.  I have gained a true desire for rehabilitation and have spent the last few months being a decent human being.

I am proud to say, that the day I am finishing this testimony is the same day that I have hit 90 days clean and sober.  I would not have been able to write this if it wasn’t for some amazing women, with the love of recovery in their hearts, the hand up that Rachelle offered me, and the steps I was able to take thereafter.  And to you others, whom have found yourselves reading this testimony,  I fully intend on finding new answers, a new way to live, and a heck of a lot more sobriety.

Thank you for reading a part of this lost person’s narrative,

Sincerely and with lot’s of love,

Ronin